Questions to ask your parents before it's too late

27 questions

There's a particular kind of grief that comes from realizing you don't know your parents' stories — and that the window to find out is closing. If that's where you are right now, you're not alone. Most of our subscribers come to us with the same quiet panic and the same question: where do I even start? These are the questions we'd start with. They're not exhaustive. They're not a checklist. They're the prompts most likely, in our experience, to unlock the answers you'll be glad you wrote down. Ask one a week. Ask one a day. Or let us text them to your mom or dad for you — many people find it easier to answer a single text from a friendly stranger than to sit across from their own child and feel the weight of the moment.

Childhood

01
What's the first memory you have? How old do you think you were?
Ask what made that moment stick — was it the feeling, a person, or something surprising?
02
Who was your favorite teacher growing up, and why did they stand out?
Ask what that teacher taught them that they still carry today.
03
What's a smell that takes you back to being a kid?
Ask to describe exactly where that smell puts them — what do they see when they close their eyes?

Family

01
Tell me about your father. What was he like as a man?
Ask about a moment that showed who he really was.
02
Tell me about your mother. What kind of person was she?
Ask what they admired most about her, even if it took them time to see it.
03
Tell me about your grandparents. Did you spend much time with them?
Ask about a specific memory with a grandparent that has stayed with them.
04
What's something your parents always said that has stayed with you?
Ask whether they agree with it now, or have come to see it differently.
05
What are you most grateful to your parents for?
Ask if they ever told them.
06
If you could have dinner with any family member who's passed, who would it be and what would you ask them?
Ask what they think that person would say.

Love & marriage

01
How did you meet your spouse or partner?
Ask what the very first thing was that caught their attention.

Parenting

01
What was the moment you first held your child? Describe it.
Ask what went through their mind in that exact moment.
02
What do you want your children to know about you that they might not already?
Ask what stops them from telling them.

Values & beliefs

01
What do you believe in most deeply — something you'd never compromise on?
Ask where that belief came from — was it taught, or did they arrive at it on their own?
02
What's the most important lesson life has taught you?
Ask when they finally understood it — was there a moment it clicked?
03
What are you most grateful for in your life?
Ask if gratitude comes easily to them or whether it's something they have to practice.
04
Is there something you regret? What would you do differently?
Ask if they think regret is useful, or whether they try not to go there.
05
If you could sit down with your 20-year-old self, what would you say?
Ask if they think their younger self would have listened.

Legacy

01
What do you most want to be remembered for?
Ask if they think they're living in a way that earns it.
02
Is there anything you've never told your children about yourself that you think they should know?
Ask what's stopped them — and whether this might be the time.
03
What's something you hope your great-grandchildren will know about you, even if they never meet you?
Ask if there's a story they'd want passed down word for word.

Loss & grief

01
Who's the first person you remember losing?
Ask how old they were and what they understood at the time.
02
Tell me about your parents — when did you lose them, and what do you wish you'd asked them more about?
Ask if there's a question that still nags at them.
03
Is there something you wish you'd said to someone before they were gone?
Ask if they've ever said it out loud since, even just to themselves.
04
What's something a person you've lost taught you that you carry every day?
Ask if they've ever passed it on to someone else.

Wisdom

01
What do you know now that you wish you'd known at 25?
Ask if their younger self would have actually believed it.
02
If you could go back and tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
Ask which version of them most needed to hear it.
03
What's the simplest piece of wisdom you'd hand to anyone, anywhere, in any situation?
Ask where it came from — was it learned from someone, or earned the hard way?

How to actually ask these

·Pick three or four. Trying to ask all of them in one sitting will exhaust you both. The best conversations come from one question that opens up into twenty minutes of unrelated stories.
·Don't correct or argue. If their memory of an event doesn't match yours, that's a separate conversation. Right now you're collecting their version.
·Write down what they say while it's fresh — or record it. Phones are good for this. You don't need anything fancier.
·If asking face-to-face feels like too much pressure — for either of you — consider letting our service text them one question every few days. Many people open up more easily over text than across a kitchen table.