Tell me about your mother. What kind of person was she?

Why this question matters

Your parent's relationship with their mother is the template — for who they became, for how they parented you, for which parts of childhood they were trying to recreate and which parts they were trying to escape. Asking the question opens the lineage. It also gives your parent permission to talk about a person they may not get to talk about often anymore.

What people often remember when asked this

• 01

  The first answer is often the press-release version — "she was a wonderful mother, very loving." Sit with it. Don't argue. Ask for a specific moment that captures what she was like, and the real story usually comes after.

• 02

  Some parents will surprise you with a complicated answer. If they do, follow it. Ask what they wish she'd done differently. Ask if they've made peace with it. These are conversations adult children almost never get to have with their parents.

• 03

  If their mother is gone, ask what they still talk to her about in their head. The question gives permission to grieve out loud, which most people don't get to do often.

A small tip for the conversation

If they hesitate, narrow the question. "What did she look like when she was angry?" or "What did she smell like?" — sensory specifics almost always unlock the larger story.

Related questions

• Family

  Tell me about your father. What was he like as a man?

• Family

  Tell me about your grandparents. Did you spend much time with them?

• Family

  What's something your parents always said that has stayed with you?

• Family

  What are you most grateful to your parents for?

• Loss & grief

  Tell me about your parents — when did you lose them, and what do you wish you'd asked them more about?